Dear Matt-

Weird feeling last night -

While driving home, I had this intense desire to call my dad for the first time in over a year and a half. There were so many amazing qualities my father possessed and I see all of those wonderful things in you. My father fascinated me all of the time and challenged me to think. He taught me to not accept the obvious and to think outside of the box. There were times he frustrated me and I respected him because of it.

It wasn't until I was older (around 16) that I became to understand the hurt he caused everyone with his manipulating and conning ways. I always hoped he could change but it was ultimately not to be.

The intense desire to call him last night manifested from the fabulous talks we've had. I realized that my father is the REASON why I can have such fantastic talks with you. Without him and his passion for investigating life's meaning, alternative energy sources, flying, organic gardening and unconventional lifestyle, I would not be able to hold such amazing conversations with you. I realized that everything I loved about my father, you have. In addition to his great qualities, you possess none of his negative ones.

I'm not looking to "date" my dad, I just wanted to thank him for laying the groundwork that allowed me to search for all things positive. I have given my stepmother all the credit for my upbringing and while she provided structure and expectations for my future life, my father made me who I am instilling my curiosity and zest for life.

This leaves me at a quandary. Do I reconnect with him or do I just let sleeping dogs lie? I'm conflicted. I'm still incredibly hurt that he would lie to me and ultimately tell me that it was all my fault for how things happened but just as I've learned to forgive my mother about ten years ago for her mental inability to raise me in a loving nurturing environment, should I now forgive my father too?

Ah.... life was much simpler without you. :-) I didn't have to think about these things. I miss my dad. I really do but I don't know if I can let that wall down....
I'm also unsure of how to proceed. I don't know if this is something I want to conquer right now. This email might be more of just a therapeutic type of journaling and something to talk about (if you want to - don't feel obligated) down the road.

Snow Day at EF

Today was a great day. Probably the best one I'd had in several months. Funny how when your life gets incrementally more unsatisfying, you don't realize it until it's too late. Death by 1000 cuts, I suppose.

Today was a mixture of tranquility, excitement, butterfly's and most importantly fun. There were no expectations today other than to enjoy the beautiful snow the area received earlier this week. Oh sure, plenty of people would call us insane to be riding bicycles out in the snow while the more sane people were busy making cheese and sausage platters, hankie pankys, and priming the beer tap in anticipation of the Bengals wonderful loss to the Jets. Sorry, I've just never been a fan of sitting in front of the TV to watch organized sports. I'd rather be part of the action versus being on the sidelines.

So back to today and my scary/crazy happiness. I'm starting to believe in love again. Pure, romantic, beautiful, honest to goodness love. I gave up on the fairytale a long time ago and thought I would have to settle for someone that held a few of my qualities dear, while forgetting about the rest of them. I figured concessions were a way of life. I never realized I could find someone that seems to speak the same language I do. We share so many hopes, dreams, worries, and passions, it's frightening to believe two people could be so closely wired. It's as almost as if we knew each other in a former life (if I believed in that kind of stuff...)

I could talk to this man for hours. In fact, we've talked so much, the poor guy is hoarse and coughing. I'm sorry, I just find you more fascinating than anything I've ever experienced, I just can't seem to put you down, you're that good of a read. I've got that spring in my step back that I hadn't realized was gone, I have that giddy, schoolgirl grin and a twinkle in my eye that makes people at work smile in envy.

I so much love being touched and made to feel beautiful. I have wanted that for so long and figured it was something that only happened in the movies. It was fiction. Not any more. It's more real and more exciting than I could ever have imagined.

On my way home from our ride today, I wanted to call my dad and brag. I actually missed my father today which hasn't happened since he lied to me more than a year and a half ago. So here's to you dad - I've met a guy that you would find just as fascinating as I do. I know you would be able to talk for hours with him as you talked planes, organic gardening and living off the grid. I've found the man that reminds me of all the good qualities of you while harboring none of the bad ones. Dad, you are the smartest man alive. I just wished you hadn't screwed everyone over in the sake of a dollar. You sold your entire family for greed. This man is who I always wanted you to be. I'm sorry that I won't have this conversation with you in real life, you would really be happy for me.

Now back to this relationship.

I'm not unrealistic. I know we'll have our fights and disagreements. Some I'm sure would call this our honeymoon of a dating stage, where we overlook the little petty things that will ultimately drive us nuts about the other person but I'm not so sure of that. I think this is different. I hope that we can both be respectful of our differences and learn to appreciate them versus having them drive a wedge between us.

Thank you Geoff for telling me you no longer loved me and releasing me from a relationship I worked hard at to make work even though we both deserved mates that were more suited to what we want in life. I'm sorry that I was too involved with you and wanted to enjoy things with you when all you wanted was a break. I wasn't aware of that. I was looking for a soulmate that wanted to spend time with me and figure out who I am. I now know that this is achievable. I trade every single bike shop discount in the world for the feelings I am feeling right now. You couldn't trade my happiness for all the money in the world.

Matt, you make me a better person. You make me want to try. I am in love with the fact you want to support me and are proud of my accomplishments. That you believe on my life long fundamental mantra of JUST HAVE FUN! I want to support you any way I can also. I want to make fried pickles with you forever (or until we grow sick of them)!