Dear Matt-

Weird feeling last night -

While driving home, I had this intense desire to call my dad for the first time in over a year and a half. There were so many amazing qualities my father possessed and I see all of those wonderful things in you. My father fascinated me all of the time and challenged me to think. He taught me to not accept the obvious and to think outside of the box. There were times he frustrated me and I respected him because of it.

It wasn't until I was older (around 16) that I became to understand the hurt he caused everyone with his manipulating and conning ways. I always hoped he could change but it was ultimately not to be.

The intense desire to call him last night manifested from the fabulous talks we've had. I realized that my father is the REASON why I can have such fantastic talks with you. Without him and his passion for investigating life's meaning, alternative energy sources, flying, organic gardening and unconventional lifestyle, I would not be able to hold such amazing conversations with you. I realized that everything I loved about my father, you have. In addition to his great qualities, you possess none of his negative ones.

I'm not looking to "date" my dad, I just wanted to thank him for laying the groundwork that allowed me to search for all things positive. I have given my stepmother all the credit for my upbringing and while she provided structure and expectations for my future life, my father made me who I am instilling my curiosity and zest for life.

This leaves me at a quandary. Do I reconnect with him or do I just let sleeping dogs lie? I'm conflicted. I'm still incredibly hurt that he would lie to me and ultimately tell me that it was all my fault for how things happened but just as I've learned to forgive my mother about ten years ago for her mental inability to raise me in a loving nurturing environment, should I now forgive my father too?

Ah.... life was much simpler without you. :-) I didn't have to think about these things. I miss my dad. I really do but I don't know if I can let that wall down....
I'm also unsure of how to proceed. I don't know if this is something I want to conquer right now. This email might be more of just a therapeutic type of journaling and something to talk about (if you want to - don't feel obligated) down the road.